I Don’t Know What it Was Revisited

Is it your contention
that it was a bad circumstance
or cosmic intervention
or just dumb shit luck?

Was that darkest season so unholy
we were still just two kids who only
happened to be in the wrong space
at the wrong time and in the wrong place?

Was it kismet that we would
trip up underneath a black starless sky
was it written in the dark
that missteps would break our hearts?

I don’t know what it was
but I know it gives me cause to pause and wonder
how I could be so unlucky, so cursed. And I will say this,
fuck whatever it was!

Was it destiny for us to be so close
and yet be so far apart
at the very end of it all
and to lose sight of love?

Or that we would literally survive a war.
Thinking we had beat the odds
to find that something worse than a bullet or bombs
had our name on them?

Was it just fortune’s hex
that we could not take the pressure
and self-sabotage as we played the fools?
Starting to smother, and choke the flame of love.

I don’t know what it was
but I know it gives me cause to pause and wonder
how I could be so unlucky, so cursed. And I will say this,
fuck whatever it was!

Was it certain that we would turn on each other
when life changed and feelings betrayed
Was it inevitable that we would lose sight of each other
forgetting that better days could come.

Was it poor design or happenstance
that we would fall for the numbing effects
of that vicious deceit of a self-centered dream
and so leave behind something far better.

Was it karma, serendipity
a spin of fortune’s wheel or divine decree
that would cause us to let go of love like so many who lose their grip
and slip into shadow.

I don’t know what it was
but I know it gives me cause to pause and wonder
how I could be so unlucky, so cursed. And I will say this,
fuck whatever it was!

Was it just meant to be? That twenty seven years
was the end, the limit of your love for me
and it seems mine for you. It causes me
to despise this god-awful version of myself

Maybe we forgot the hard work that brought us so far
sacrifice and striving to think of each other before ourselves
being truly honest and exposing all that we are
Maybe acceptance and forgiveness dried up from that well

Maybe it’s driven by something wrong with humanity
the same old mistakes, never learning from history
resurrected each time we lose sight of love
leaving us with nothing but tears and blood

Fuck whatever it was!

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